Eragon on Oprah
by alsdssg
Summary: The hero goes on Oprah to recount how he lost everything he had or wanted to have to the worst GaryStue ever: a camel junkie by the name of LSD. Tragedy genre is for fun.


Eragon on Oprah

Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue. Thank you. P.S. LSD is a creation of my annoying little brother and my cousin who looks like a blond Ross Gellar from Friends.

The whole hall filled with cheers as a black woman entered the room and sat down on a sofa.

"Hello, my name is Oprah Winfrey and welcome to my show," she yelled.

There were more cheers coming from the audience.

"Today's segment is called An Eragon Sob Story: How A Drug-Addicted Camel Took Away My Life," Oprah announced to even more cheers.

"To help us with this segment, I've brought you Dr. Whatshername Nombre. She is an acclaimed therapist who some of you may recognize from the Geico commercials," Oprah shouted. There was a slight pause of confusion before the audience started to cheer again. They decided not to question the fact that Oprah had decided to bring a therapist on her show. They all knew Eragon was a desperate case.

"Hey, I object to you having a therapist on your show," a man yelled from the back.

"Tom, please sit down," Oprah said. "I didn't invite you to be a guest on my show today."

"Psychologists are evil. They have no idea what they're doing. They're against my religion. Take Dr. Whatshername Nombre off this show right now," Tom Cruise shouted, rushing the stage. Oprah bravely pulled out her pepper spray and unleashed in the annoying actor's eyes.

"Get off my show," she demanded.

"I'll get off my show when I feel like it," Tom cruise replied madly.

"Have it you way then," Oprah shrugged as she kicked him in the crotch. Tom Cruise gasped in pain.

"I'll just go now," he whimpered.

"Very good, Tom," Oprah smiled as the injured actor dragged himself off the stage.

"So, Dr. WN, do you mind if I call you that?" Oprah began. Dr. WN shook her head.

"Anyway," Oprah continued, "what do you think of this case?"

"Well, I'm assuming the 'drug-addicted camel' the segment title refers to is King Lorenzo Saint-Dubois, whose friends call him LSD," Dr WN said calmly.

"That's what Eragon wanted to call it. It's an outsider's view on our heroic and hip new ruler," Oprah explained. "He's in the minority," she whispered to her audience. They all nodded. After all, who was cooler than a drug-addicted camel?

"Now, here's Eragon," Oprah said. Because of the surprising lack of applause, someone got out a cricket to fill the silence.

Eragon staggered onto the stage. His hair was all rumpled; his eyes were blood-shot; it appeared as though he had attempted to shave because his face only sported half a mustache; and he had forgotten to put on a shirt.

Oprah looked slightly appalled by his appearance. Dr. WN put a hand over her mouth and said, "Oh dear."

"Sit down, Eragon," Oprah said calmly, regaining her cool.

"Now, tell us, Eragon, when did you begin to feel such envy for King Lorenzo that you decided to attempt to assassinate him?" Dr. WN asked quietly.

"Well," Eragon began sitting down on the couch. Oprah scooted slightly away from him. She'd have to have those couches cleaned so many times if she didn't end up having to burn them to get rid of the smell.

"It all started when Murtagh and I got into the Hadarac Desert after rescuing Arya from Gil'ead," Eragon continued. "We were just riding along when we came across a camel sitting on a dune calmly smoking a piece of joint.

"It said, 'Peace out,' to Murtagh and I. Personally, it scared me, but Murtagh said, 'Peace out,' right back and started smoking the joint with the camel," Eragon wheezed. He was near tears.

Oprah handed him a tissue with a pair of foot-long tweezers. She didn't want his snot all over her couches. She would definitely have to burn them after that.

"What was so bad about that?" Dr. WN asked kindly.

"Murtagh started making fun of me and calling me a pathetic looser and talking like the stupid camel and…" Eragon was cut off by ranting fan girls.

"Hey, King LSD is cool, and Murtagh is like the awesomest fan club president ever," one of them yelled.

"Don't ever mess with the groupies," Oprah advised in an undertone.

"Sorry, what did you say?" Eragon asked. Oprah hadn't wanted to get to close to him.

"Never mind," the talk show host said.

"So, your friend turned on you. But has it ever occurred to you that he might have been trying to send you a message by calling you a pathetic looser?" Dr. WN suggested.

Eragon blinked stupidly. "What message?" he asked.

"Well, maybe he thought there were some things you could improve. Maybe he thought that you had things to learn from King Lorenzo," Dr. WN continued.

Eragon gave her a weird look. Dr. WN shook her head. This boy was more messed up than she had first thought. "Is there anything else?"

Eragon nodded. "It just got worse when we got to Farthen Dûr," he said. "Everyone was calling me a pathetic looser. The battle with the Urgals was all messed up because everyone got high. Durza threw himself from the battlements after he gave me a scar while staggering around in a meth induced haze."

"Well, it sounds to me like our great ruler was simply trying to keep the peace. And it also sounds to me like the whole thing with the shade was simply an accident," Oprah put in.

"Exactly what I was thinking," Dr WN added.

Eragon stared at them. "I got seizures because of that scar!" he screamed.

"But it was an accident that had absolutely nothing to do with King Lorenzo," Dr. WN protested quietly.

"He got Durza high!" Eragon yelled.

"That did lead to the shade's death," Oprah pointed out.

Eragon threw his hands up into the air.

"Now, I know that there's more, Eragon," Oprah said.

"Oh, yes, there is," he continued. "When we all went to Ellesméra, that stupid camel had to come with us."

One of the groupies threw a tomato at Eragon's head at this point. He didn't even notice. Oprah and Dr. WN looked at each other concernedly.

Eragon continued, "And I was in love with Arya. I thought she was perfect, wonderful, beautiful…" Twenty minutes later, Eragon had used all the adjectives to describe Arya he could possibly think of. "Anyway, I told her that I thought she was perfect, wonderful, beautiful…"

Oprah cut him off by saying, "Yes, Eragon, you already told us how you feel about her. Now, can we get on with the story?"

"Everyone's a hater," Eragon mumbled. "After I told her how I felt, she turned me down. I was pretty upset about this, but it was about to get worse. I-I-I-I caught Arya with the new 'king.'" Eragon's eyes filled with tears, and he managed to make air-quotes around the word king and make it sound sarcastic.

"Well, maybe Arya simply found the camel to be a better match for her than you," Dr. WN suggested politely.

"He's a camel. What kind of camel is better than a human?" Eragon shrieked.

That's when things got worse for poor Eragon. A group of guys in baggy clothes got up on the stage. One of them grabbed Eragon by the scruff of the neck and said, "Whachur prob, man? King LSD's got ways wit da ladies dat we don't. Neva diss muh brotha again."

"Murtagh, I'm your brother, remember?" Eragon whimpered.

"Eh," Murtagh said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Ah, Murtagh, sit down. I think it would be a good idea to listen to your real brother," Oprah suggested.

Murtagh shrugged and sat down on the opposite end of the couch. Oprah scooted closer to him. So did Dr. WN.

"Is there anything else?" Dr. WN asked.

"You betta believe there is," Murtagh said. "Dis kid got a million probs."

"And they're all that stupid camel's fault!" Eragon yelled.

"Shut up, looser," Murtagh said.

Dr. WN took advantage of the situation and asked, "Eragon, I think Murtagh may be trying to tell you something."

"Hell I am. I'm tryin' ta get him ta own up ta da fact dat he's a looser and ta stop hatin' on da king," Murtagh said.

"There you go," Dr. WN said to Eragon.

"Please, continue with the story," Oprah put in.

"Well, Saphira decided that I was being so pathetic about my scar that she left me to be the 'king's' dragon," Eragon continued.

"Well, I got a scar," Murtagh said. "You ain't seen me askin' for no pity points or goin' inta seizures."

"There's another message," Dr. WN said. "It upsets your brother that you pity yourself more than you pity him even though his life has been far worse than yours."

"Dat's what I was gonna say, but wit less vocab," Murtagh remarked.

Dr. WN allowed herself a moment to look self-satisfied.

"Go on, Eragon," Oprah ordered.

"Then the final battle came along," Eragon said. "The 'king' converted Murtagh to good even though I have no idea how he did it, and I was fighting Galbatorix and doing pretty well, even without Saphira. Well, the real reason was because the 'king' had converted Shruikan to good, and Galbatorix and I were both dragon-less. Anyway, I was about to strike the final blow when the 'king' comes up and says, 'Peace out, man,' to Galbatorix. And Galbatorix drops his crown and surrenders it to the 'king.'"

"Eragon, please stop referring to the king in that sarcastic voice. It's offensive to his majesty, and I'm sorry, but you really, really can't pull off the sarcastic voice," Dr. WN said sadly.

"Everyone's a hater," Eragon muttered again.

"Eragon, please stop doing that. You sound like a parrot," Dr. WN said again. Her voice was just as sad as before.

"Is that all, Eragon?" Oprah asked. She wasn't sure if it was a good idea to let her therapist continually insult Eragon. She should've brought on Dr. Phil. Oh well.

"There's on last thing that really got me," Eragon said.

Everyone looked interested. Even Murtagh looked interested.

"Go on," Oprah ordered.

"I thought Nasuada would understand. I really did. I went to her study to talk to her about my problems, but she was um…really, really busy with Murtagh," Eragon explained. He seemed to be mentally scarring all over again just from the memory.

"Yeah, dawg!" Murtagh yelled.

"So, you walked in on your brother and his girlfriend while they were procreating?" Dr. WN asked tentatively. Oprah started putting her hand across her throat. She was afraid that this conversation might be getting into unsafe grounds.

"You don't make babies the way they were doing it," Eragon dead-panned.

"Oh, I remember that!" Nasuada yelled from the audience. "You walked in on that?"

"I still don't see how this has anything to do with King Lorenzo," Dr. WN remarked.

"Well, I realized that they had been making LSD Is Da Bomb posters for his coronation before they started. Who gets their appetite while planning a camel junkie's coronation?" Eragon yelled. He got up and started foaming at the mouth slightly.

"Dawg, chur bein' da hata now," Murtagh said.

"Yeah, he is. I can't believe he's even related to you," Nasuada shouted.

"Do you see what my problem is?" Eragon asked.

"No, I really don't," Dr. WN replied.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you, we have another special guest on today," Oprah announced. Everyone drew in their breath. Could it be the answer to their hopes, wishes, and dreams? Yes, it was.

"I will now announce His majesty, King Lorenzo Saint-Dubois," Oprah shouted.

A camel gansta-walked onto the stage. He was walking on two legs, and Arya was on his right arm. He was wearing a great deal of bling, baggy clothes, and a crown turned backwards. Several groupies fainted, and the rest got away with just nosebleeds. The homeboys started barking. Murtagh joined them.

"Oprah, muh lady, I'd be honored if ya'd call me LSD," the camel said, sitting down on the couch and pushing Eragon off of it to make room for Arya.

"It's an honor for me, LSD," Oprah replied, shaking the camel's hand. She looked genuinely star-struck.

"And of course we have her majesty Queen Arya here," Oprah said.

"Please, call me Arya. If my husband will abandon formalitly, so will I," the elf said.

"You never let me abandon formality," Eragon whimpered.

Arya ignored him.

"So, I've heard that ever since your mother passed away, you've taken over rule of Ellesméra," Oprah continued.

Arya nodded, looking a little sad. "I was very upset when my mother passed on, but LSD was the best comforter," she said with a wink. A jealous groupie got up on the stage and tried to punch her. LSD caught her arm.

"Trianna, babe, don hate on her. She awesome. You are too, but she more awesome," LSD pontificated.

"You used to be my groupie," Eragon yelled from the floor, from which he had still not been able to get up.

Trianna ignored him as well.

"You stole my woman," he howled at LSD.

"She an elf, dawg," LSD replied.

"That's one of the reasons I love him more than you," Arya said. "He's soooooo politically correct."

Eragon almost fainted at the uncharacteristic sooooooo coming out of Arya's mouth. Instead he asked, "How is a camel on more drugs than a Wallgreens more politically correct than I am?"

"Whachoo got against Wallgreens?" Murtagh asked. He turned to LSD and said, "Sorry he's sucha hata."

"It's k wit me, man," LSD replied. "It not chur fault he's like he is."

Murtagh nodded happily.

"He's OOC," Eragon yelled. "He never smiles! Ever!"

"Dat was grammatically incorrect," LSD remarked.

"How do you know about grammar? Grammar went out the window because of you," Eragon ranted.

"Hata," Murtagh muttered.

"You're supposed emo/rebel/goth, not gansta," Eragon screamed.

"Anyway," Oprah yelled over everyone, "Eragon, I don't think we need you anymore. We're almost out of time."

"Aw," everyone groaned. They wanted to be graced by LSD's presence more than they had.

"Party afta da show!" LSD announced.

Everyone cheered.

"But first, a word from our sponsors," Oprah said with a smile. (A/N: Sorry if this commercial isn't exactly right. so easy a caveman could do it," a man said with a smile.

A picture of a caveman sitting on a couch across from Dr. WN flashed across the screen.

"I don't see what you're upset about," she said. So easy a caveman could do it?' What if it said, so easy a therapist could do it?'" the caveman asked.

"Well, that commercial wouldn't make sense to me," the therapist said.

"Why not? Oh, right, cause therapists are supposed to be smart," the caveman said.

The commercial finished and a new message flashed across the screen. It read: So easy, a caveman could do it. It's also recommended by his majesty, King Lorenzo Saint-Dubois, whose friends call him LSD."

At this point, Eragon ran in front of the screen and started yelling hysterically and repeatedly, "Kill the king! He's a bad king!" Nobody saw him or paid attention to him.

"Dude, I'm with you on that one," a voice said. He turned and saw a caveman standing in the dark.

"Dude, come over here," he muttered.

Eragon stopped screaming and strode towards the caveman. "What?" he whispered.

"Look, you hate this King LSD character, right?" the caveman asked.

"Right," Eragon replied.

"And I hate Geico, right?" the caveman asked again.

"Right," Eragon replied again.

"I say we team up and bring down our enemies," the caveman said.

Eragon shook his hand. They snuck out the back door of the Oprah show. As they were leaving, Eragon said, "We should use your idea. The new commercial should say, So easy, a therapist could do it.'"

"I'm glad somebody agrees with me," the caveman said shaking his head. "You hate the therapist too?"

"Didn't you hear some of the things she said to me? She was so biased," Eragon insisted.

"I know it," the caveman muttered.

Eragon shook his head. "This'll be fun bringing them down," he grinned evilly.

"The caveman and Eragon unite!" the caveman yelled, grabbing Eragon's arm. They both laughed evilly.

So, did you think it was funny? If so, please leave a review. If I get enough reviews, I'll do a sequel where Eragon and the caveman go on Oprah to recount how they saved the world from LSD, Geico, and Dr. WN.


End file.
